Kunta Kinte Meets the Show Princess

I began my consolidation phase of chemotherapy and radiation this morning. There were so many patients in oncology that it took until 10:00 for me to get hooked up. D. B. drove me to the oncology center and T. R. came later for a visit. T. mentioned again that his former girl friend was marrying a six foot four South African. He said that the was a meeting of Kunta Kinte with the “Snow Princess!” For the most part, I was rather tired during the chemo, but I made it through without too much discomfort.

After my early afternoon radiation treatment, I met with Dr. Halberg. She is really nice, and spent the most unhurried time with me that I had experienced with any physician on my team since Dr. Torigoe spent almost two hours with us. She was caring and patient, even though she was interrupted several times to look at X-Rays, and other short tasks. I was rather surprised by her statement that she didn’t expect me to have a complete response! She remarked that my initial invasive tumor was so aggressive and so extensive that she was surprised and happy by the pathology report! She also discussed the surface tumor with us, and said that she would not be surprised if I developed further surface tumors, and that anything we could do to prevent them was a step in the right direction. I had already told my wife that when this round of chemo and radiation was completed, I wanted to do a lot of new research on how to prevent bladder tumors from growing in the first place. Francine also mention that she was familiar with the anti-biotic trials at Pan Pacific Urology, but that I probably would not be eligible.

The second pass of radiation went without incident. I continued to do my visualization of the radiation as light entering my body and encouraging immature cells and potential cancer cells to shrivel up and be eliminated through my normal elimination channels. I also visualize my body as transparent to the radiation in such a way that the X-Rays affect the immature cells and potential cancer cells and then pass through my body, as in the X-Ray transmission studies in physics. I want to chat with the radiation physicist to understand the X-Ray transmission studies in more detail, as it has been almost thirty years since I left the field of physics for computers.

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Bubbles of Energy

Leslie Davenport’s group today was quite special. She led a guided imagery experience which was quite similar to the one I had earlier this week. We started with deep breathing, as usual, and switched to relaxing the body, starting with the eyes, working up to the forehead and to the top of the head. Then we moved to our face and then on down to the feet and toes. From there, she had us imagine bubbles of energy rising from our fully relaxed feet and legs on up through our torso and winding up at the top of our heads. The visualization was very effective for me, and I felt very relaxed during the whole process. I probably could have fallen asleep several times. I later found out that most of the people in the room felt a deep sense of relaxation also.

In response to a question from one of the members of the group, I had an opportunity to speak about managing your own health care and how to make appropriate medical decisions. I explained how I had to make a tough decision back in early February regarding radical cystectomy versus the Shipley approach with I eventually decided upon. I also spoke about integrative medicine as the approach I took. This gave rise to comments by many other people supporting what I had to say and enhancing my viewpoint. I shared that I really wanted to come to the group mostly when I was feeling good so I could share my healing experiences with other people and not be so needy. All in all, I felt really supported and that I had contributed to the healing experience of others in the room.

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Practice What You Preach!

February 22, 1997 – Practice What You Preach!

Today was an interesting day! I was feeling kind of down from hassling with the catheter. Taking a shower was a major production. I listened to tapes from Cancer as a Turning Point and read a lot in Love, Medicine and Miracles. But the turning point for me was when I decided to put everything down and create a fresh “mind story” to repair the wall of my bladder.

In this visualization, I envisioned a gap on the floor of my bladder where the cancer had been removed. Then I watched my cells construct first a bridge across the gap, and then I saw the gap fill in. The image was very real and I attribute this to an interesting episode of Nova in which a foot bridge was being constructed across a gorge through which a river ran in the country of the Inca’s somewhere in modern Peru, perhaps. The interesting thing about the Nova presentation was that the whole community turned out to build the bridge, and it was made entirely of grass ropes that everyone contributed to! So here I was, bridging the gap in my bladder with new cells constructed from grass roots of a concerted effort between all of my body resources.

When I came out of the mind story, my bag was full once again, and I felt one hundred percent better.

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Moving Toward Health

February 10, 1997 – Moving Toward Health

Up until now, I have been reporting on external events and meetings with physicians. It has certainly been a whirlwind of activity for the last two weeks, but I haven’t mentioned too much of what is going on inside. Believe me, a lot is taking place and has transpired. I have continued to do “mind stories” daily, sometimes three or more times a day, especially when I feel tired. While the method I use to invoke the relaxed state of mind that I need to do my meditation is described elsewhere, the content of my meditation is made up of at least three kinds of processes.

The first process I use is based on Buddhist meditation. Having been trained in both Zen and Vipassana, I use a hybrid method that incorporates the best of both for my purposes. The method involves following the breath in the belly, which is a common practice in both Zen and Vipassana, with a healing twist. What I used to do prior to my diagnosis was “breathing in … breathing out” – following the physical movement of my abdomen. The modification I make, based on the teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh, along with bringing my attention a little lower to my bladder, I generally repeat, “Breathing in, I know that I am healing myself, … breathing out, the cancer is gone!” Much of the time, when the breath is fairly short, for example, I use the trigger words, “healing” for the in breath and “gone” for the out breath, knowing that I am referring to the elimination of the cancer cells.

The second method is to visualize the insides of my bladder, and visualize that I am scraping off the cancer cells into the bladder, to be easily eliminated through normal bladder function. This is a quite effective technique, as sometimes I really feel the cells dying and being eliminated. This process takes a good deal of concentration to be effective, but many years of visualization practice have helped in this area.

China Beach, Point Lobos

The third method is to visualize events in my future with a positive regard. For example, I see myself playing tennis in Sausalito, Edgewood Park and Boyle Park, with my different tennis buddies. Or, I might see myself lying on China Beach in Point Lobos State Reserve, and listening to the waves crash against the shore. I can smell the sea air and virtually taste the salt water. I feel the texture of the sand on my feet, legs, buttocks, hands, and arms. Or, I might visualize R.’s graduation coming up in June or a trip to Hawaii, or whatever my mind brings up. I’m not focusing on my disease at all, as these events take me beyond recovery.

Why, you may wonder, am I bringing all of this up today? Well, after spending the day requesting the Shipley protocol and ordering all of the ingredients in Michael Broffman’s protocol, I attended a support group led by Anna Halprin. Anna is a dancer in her late seventies that diagnosed and treated her own cancer with movement and art. Twenty-one years ago, I studied with Gabrielle Roth, one of Anna’s protégés, so I was familiar with her work. I also attended a retrospective performance by Anna and her students about a year ago. I was very excited to attend her group this evening because I hadn’t been allowed to play tennis since before the “red stream.”

Anna’s group consisted of mostly women who had already recovered from cancer. There were several ladies who were in the throes of treatment, but they were in the minority. Anna began by allowing my friend J. M. (the same friend who took me to lunch after “yellow stream”) to tell his story of three and one half years of prostate cancer which is no in total remission. Everyone was encouraged by his story.

She proceeded to direct us to get grounded in our chairs and begin breathing in and out. Naturally, my Buddhist practice came to mind and I was in a rhythm of “healing… gone.” We then started moving in time with our breath, expanding way out with our arms open wide on the in breath and contracting inward on the out breath. This theme was developed to standing, bending, and movement around the room to Native American music of some kind. We eventually had some group interaction through the movement and all along Anna kept us focused on our breath. She would have us focus on being grounded, relaxed, aware, centered energy (grace).

After the period of movement, we were to draw a picture inspired by the movement. This was a difficult task for me, for I have never enjoyed drawing too much. With her inspiration and support, I drew the “yellow stream.”

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TURBT

TRUBT

January 27, 1997 – First Hospital Stay, Continued

My refusal to sign the operation afforded me another whole day of waiting. In the morning, I had visits from Dr. Belknap and Dr. Neuwirth, both of which were very helpful in pointing out the pros and cons of the alternative anesthetic methods, but I still hadn’t made up my mind. I wanted to speak with an expert.

Dr. Neuwirth tried to prepare me for the best case scenario, which would involve complete resection of the bladder tumor followed by quarterly inspections with a cystoscopy and possibly coupled with chemotherapy agents inserted directly in the bladder. I found this discussion rather informative, but would have preferred a more accurate reading of my tumor.

Since my daughter was ill, my wife couldn’t be with me the whole time, so I spent the day receiving phone calls and visitors, and listening to classical music, and Dr. Rossman’s tape. Since I couldn’t eat or drink, my thoughts continually turned to food, especially when my roommate ate his meals. In between time, I continued my meditation and visualization practices, which kept me from getting to anxious about the ensuing operation.

At around 3:00 P. M., my wife returned to the hospital, just in time for the meeting with the anesthesiologist. His name was Christophe Dannello and he was very nice. He carefully explained the various options, and with his guidance, I decided to go with the epidural.

TRUBT
Transurethral Resection of Bladder Tumor (TURBT)

Around 6:30 P.M., they came to wheel me off to surgery. I grabbed Dr. Rossman’s tape and headed off to the operating room. I was given a sedative intravenously and placed on the table. A moment later, a small needle was applied to my lower back and I was turned over and placed into position. The oxygen feeder was placed in my nose and my legs were positioned in place for the surgery.

Then… I was gone! I woke up in the recovery room and spent what seemed like only fifteen minutes there. I was taken back to my room and my wife was with me for the next half-hour or so. Then she had to get home to the children, so there I was, lying flat on my back with a catheter in me. I started to feel pain from the epidural and was given “candy” – vicodin. This controlled the pain.

I proceeded to do my “mind story” and had a fairly good night sleep until I was rudely awakened for vital signs around midnight. Luckily, the rest of the night was uneventful, even though I was leaking blood through my catheter.